Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person tries to make another person doubt their perceptions, memories, or understanding of events. The goal of gaslighting is to make the victim feel confused, uncertain, and dependent on the gaslighter’s version of reality. This tactic is often used in abusive relationships to gain control and power over the victim. Often times victim is not aware that they have been gaslight making them fall into the trap more easily. In this article we will understand what is gaslighting and also talk about some of the signs to identify gaslighting. We will then explore tips to manage and what you can do about if you are in an abusive relationship.
What is gaslighting?
The term “gaslighting” originates from a 1938 play titled “Gas Light” by Patrick Hamilton. The play was adapted into a film in 1944, also called Gaslight, which is where the term became widely known.
Origin of the Term – Gaslighting
- The Play: In “Gas Light”, a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her own perceptions and sanity by making small, seemingly trivial changes to their environment, such as dimming the gas lights. When the wife notices the changes and points them out, the husband insists that nothing is different, causing her to question her own sanity.
- Film Adaptations: The 1944 film adaptation of the play, starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer, popularized the term further. In the film, the husband uses similar tactics to make his wife believe she is losing her mind, reinforcing the concept of psychological manipulation.
Evolution of the Term:
- Psychological Abuse: Over time, “gaslighting” has come to describe a broader range of psychological manipulation where one person seeks to undermine another’s perception of reality. It’s used to describe various forms of emotional and psychological abuse in both personal relationships and broader social contexts.
- Modern Usage: Today, “gaslighting” is used to describe manipulative behaviors that make people doubt their own experiences, memories, or perceptions. It’s commonly discussed in the context of intimate relationships, workplace environments, and even political discourse.
The term has evolved from its theatrical origins to become a key concept in understanding and identifying psychological abuse and manipulation in various contexts.
Examples of gaslighting behaviour
Here are few of the examples or types of a gaslighting behaviour –
Denying – Things that were said or done
In this case the gaslighter might insist that something didn’t happen, even when the victim remembers it clearly. This happens in conversation where the victim remembers a different version of reality than what the gaslighter is telling.
Trivializing the victim’s feelings
The gaslighter might tell the victim that they are overreacting or being too sensitive, making them question the validity of their emotions.
Projecting
The gaslighter might accuse the victim of the very things they are doing themselves, causing the victim to become defensive and distracted from the actual problem.
Creating confusion
The gaslighter might give conflicting information, making the victim unsure of what is true.
Over time, gaslighting can erode a person’s self-confidence, making them increasingly reliant on the manipulator’s interpretation of reality.
How is gaslighting harmful to a victim?
Gaslighting is very harmful to a victim. It can have significant negative effects on a person’s mental and emotional well-being. Some of the key ways gaslighting can be harmful include –
Erosion of Self-Esteem
Gaslighting can make victims doubt their own worth, intelligence, and judgment. This can lead to a significant drop in self-esteem and self-confidence.
Emotional Distress
Constant manipulation and invalidation can cause feelings of anxiety, depression, and helplessness. Victims may feel constantly on edge or fearful of making mistakes.
Confusion and Self-Doubt
Gaslighting can make victims question their own perceptions and memories, leading to confusion and self-doubt. They might start to feel as if they can’t trust their own mind.
Isolation
Gaslighters often try to isolate their victims from friends, family, or anyone who might validate their experiences. This isolation can make the victim more dependent on the gaslighter and less likely to seek help.
Loss of Autonomy
Over time, the victim may lose their sense of autonomy and become increasingly reliant on the gaslighter for decision-making and validation.
Long-Term Psychological Impact
The effects of gaslighting can be long-lasting, even after the victim is no longer in the relationship. They may struggle with trust issues, ongoing self-doubt, and trauma.
Because of these serious consequences, gaslighting is considered a form of emotional abuse that can cause profound harm to a person’s mental health and overall quality of life.
Read more – 5 simple steps to mental health and wellbeing
How to identify gaslighting?
Identifying gaslighting can be challenging, especially because the manipulative tactics used can be subtle and make the victim question their reality. However, there are some signs that can help you recognize gaslighting:
Constantly Doubting Your Memory or Perception
- You frequently question your recollection of events, even when you were confident about them before.
- You feel like you’re “going crazy” because you can’t trust your own memories or judgments.
Feeling Confused or Disoriented
- You often feel confused about what happened during conversations or interactions.
- You struggle to make decisions or feel paralyzed by self-doubt.
Being Told You’re Overreacting
- When you express your feelings or concerns, the other person dismisses them as irrational or overly sensitive.
- You’re often told that you’re “too emotional” or “too dramatic.”
Denial of Previous Statements or Actions
- The person denies saying or doing things that you clearly remember, making you doubt your memory.
- They might say things like, “I never said that,” or “You’re imagining things.”
Feeling Isolated
- The person tries to isolate you from friends, family, or others who might support you.
- You start feeling alone or believe that others don’t understand you.
Feeling Like You’re Always Wrong
- The person always seems to be “right” and convinces you that you’re always in the wrong.
- You find yourself apologizing frequently, even when you’re not sure what you did wrong.
Frequent Lies or Misinformation
- The person tells blatant lies or gives you false information, and when you catch them, they dismiss or downplay it.
- You start to feel like you can’t trust anything they say.
Gaslighter’s Behavior Changes Depending on the Audience
- The gaslighter may treat you differently in private than in public, creating a contrast that makes you question your experience.
- They might act charming and supportive around others, making you doubt your perception of their abusive behavior.
Feeling Trapped in the Relationship
- You feel like you can’t leave the relationship because you’re too dependent on the other person’s version of reality.
- You may feel that the problem is with you, not them, because they’ve convinced you of it.
Receiving Mixed Signals
- The gaslighter might alternate between kindness and cruelty, making it hard for you to understand their true intentions.
- You find yourself craving their approval because of the unpredictability of their behavior.
What to do if you suspect gaslighting?
If you find yourself being gaslighted, taking steps to protect yourself is crucial for your mental and emotional well-being. Here are some strategies to help you save yourself from gaslighting:
Trust Your Feelings and Perceptions
- Acknowledge Your Reality: Trust your instincts and feelings, even if the gaslighter tries to make you doubt them. Your emotions are valid.
- Keep a Journal: Document conversations, events, and how you feel afterward. Writing things down can help you maintain a clear sense of reality and provide evidence if needed.
Set Clear Boundaries
- Limit Interactions: Reduce the time you spend with the gaslighter if possible. Establish boundaries around acceptable behavior and make it clear that manipulative tactics are not tolerated.
- Be Assertive: Stand firm in your boundaries. If the gaslighter tries to push them, calmly but firmly restate your limits.
Seek Support from Others
- Talk to Trusted Friends or Family: Share your experiences with people you trust. They can provide validation and perspective, helping you see the situation more clearly.
- Join a Support Group: Connecting with others who have experienced similar situations can be empowering and help you feel less isolated.
Get Professional Help
- See a Therapist: A mental health professional can help you process your experiences, rebuild your self-esteem, and develop strategies to cope with the gaslighting.
- Legal Advice: If the gaslighting occurs in a work environment or involves more serious forms of manipulation, consider seeking legal advice to understand your rights and options.
Reaffirm Your Self-Worth
- Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself, such as hobbies, exercise, or spending time with supportive people.
- Affirmations: Use positive affirmations to counteract the negative messages from the gaslighter. Remind yourself of your strengths and worth regularly.
Educate Yourself About Gaslighting
- Learn About the Tactics: Understanding the specific methods used in gaslighting can help you recognize them when they happen and reduce their impact.
- Stay Informed: Read books, articles, or watch videos about gaslighting to deepen your understanding and empower yourself.
Maintain Independence
- Make Your Own Decisions: Resist the urge to rely on the gaslighter for validation or approval. Trust your judgment and make decisions based on your own understanding of the situation.
- Stay Connected: Maintain connections with people who ground you in reality and provide support outside of the relationship with the gaslighter.
Consider Exiting the Relationship
- Evaluate the Relationship: If the gaslighting is part of a broader pattern of emotional abuse, it may be necessary to consider ending the relationship for your well-being.
- Plan Your Exit: If you decide to leave, plan your exit carefully, especially if the relationship is intimate or involves a power imbalance. Ensure you have support and resources in place.
Avoid Engaging in Arguments
- Don’t Try to Prove Your Point: Gaslighters often enjoy provoking arguments to confuse and control you. Instead of engaging, calmly state your perspective and disengage from the conversation.
- Focus on Facts: Stick to the facts and avoid getting drawn into emotional disputes where the gaslighter can twist the narrative.
Rebuild Your Confidence
- Reclaim Your Identity: Focus on your strengths, interests, and values. Reconnect with activities and people that affirm your identity outside of the gaslighter’s influence.
- Celebrate Small Victories: Acknowledge and celebrate small steps you take towards regaining control and confidence.
By taking these steps, you can protect yourself from the damaging effects of gaslighting and regain control over your life.
Bottom Line
We have many relationships with our friends and family however many relations might actually be introducing toxicity to your life. It is always good to have a good sense of what different relationships mean to us and if they are helping us be the best version of ourselves. Gaslighter could be anyone from your friend, family or your life partner. You need to look for the signs of gaslighting and if the behaviour is part of broader spectrum of the behaviour it is best to walk out from the relation. You would also need to identify your support group which could be your friends and family.
If you think you have been gaslight, trust your instincts and build onto your confidence. You should never argue to prove your point with a gaslighter and should look for your own mental wellbeing. If things are difficult there is no shame or harm in seeking professional help from healthcare provider and legal.
